But the idea of facing my inner demons behind closed lids didn't sound very appealing. Rubbing my eyes, trying to go back to sleep was probably something I should do, seeing as I had a very important task ahead of me. Thinking about it made me feel hollow inside. In my current situation, expecting the worse was an occupational hazard, but, sometimes the feeling was different. My gut turned horribly just thinking about that. It was the oddest thing, but every time I awoke, frozen and terrified something bad usually followed suit. The terrors were more rare, and bothersome. Take your pick, neither was any better than the other. The nightmares were constant, if it wasn't reliving the tragedy of my youth, it was the watching millions of living beings destroyed by synthetic life forms. Recalling the nightmare, instinctively, hands went to my face, nerve wracked and still slightly shaking from the imaginary terror that had aroused within me. Rubbing the spot that had ached, my blue eyes stared off at the brightly glowing holo-screen upon my desk, it flickered, blue light illuminating the dark cabin. My mind was racing, yet another night with paralysis, it was as if I had an old hag sitting upon my chest. Wincing as bare feet touched down on the cold metal floor. With control returning to my body, quickly I flung the covers off me, nearly throwing myself off the bed. After about a minute of feeling my heart pound angrily against my chest and start to draw to a slow pace with each passing second, my body began to relax, my throat opened and air came to my lungs. I was stuck in a paralysis and I was helpless against myself. Inside my mind I was screaming at myself, breath damnit! But my throat was tightly constricted, refusing to take in any air, or expel any. Panic quickly began to swiftly take over me as I struggled to breath, knuckles white from my fingers tightly grasping the sheets beneath me.
My body refused to move, it was as if something heavy was sitting upon my chest, mocking me. My eyes flared open, a terrible pain upon my chest as I desperately tried to gasp for air and thrash out of my covers. A scream that would be forever trapped within me, to remind me of the agony of watching my loved ones mowed down and taken from me. I tried to scream, I tried to move from my hiding place, I wanted to save the little girl but what could I possibly do? They'd kill me too, or worse, snatch me up with the others.Īnd when the screaming stopped and all fell silent and still, all I could hear still was that same ratta-tat-tat-tat, ratta-tat-tatĪnd like every night, I would wake up with a scream caught in my throat, a scream that I was never able to let go. It was from far away, like a ghost, that I would watch in horror as the men snatched the little girl and took her away, lost forever. And it was from a far off place that I would watch her, helpless to do anything, afraid of the gatling guns and the heavily armored men and their angry faces and their sharp teeth. Too scared to move, like a deer in headlights, she stood frozen, watching as bright beams flew past her, ripping through flesh of those around her. She watched in horror as her friends were taken by strange looking men. The sheep were silent, the breeze was halted, the children were screaming.Įvery time there was a little girl standing in the middle of the field, watching with wide blue eyes, blood running down the side of her face. The fields would be set tainted, green and yellow stained with red, the sky would be ablaze, brilliant hues of orange and red with plumes of black smoke rising up darkening the colors. But that same sound would break through the gentle scene, the tranquility would be broken.
From the depths of my mind, an old wound would rise, fields of green grass and yellow flowers, gentle breezes and lazy clouds in blue skies, the bah of little sheep carrying across the wind to little ears of children running after one another, their giggles and shrieks echoing always echoing, always haunting. The black void behind my eyelids would eventually dissolve, displaying a scene I always dreaded to see. Eventually the sound would become clearer and familiar and terrifying.
It would grow louder, echoing through my mind like a scream in a great chasm. Ratta-tat-tat-tat, ratta-tat-tat, ratta-tat-tat. It was the same ratta-tat-tat as always, the same sound that would never cease to haunt me. Every night when I closed my eyes to sleep it was the sound of the same dream starting up once again. It was the same repetitive sound as always. Title: X Amount of Words, Chapter 1: Sleepless NightsĬharacters/pairing: Female Shepard/ Joker Moreauĭisclaimer: Mild language, angst and fluff.8D
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